Posted by: grantahelms | March 3, 2014

Trolls

Have you ever seen one of these nasty little creatures that hides out until you think the coast is clear? They like to hide under bridges and behind rocks so that the birds don’t know they are around. Therefore the birds sing their peaceful melody which lulls you into a false sense of security. Once you are relaxed, they pounce! Such is my life today.

Trolls

Wow! I never knew these things existed. But Lord of the Rings can’t be wrong, can it? As some of you know, I left home on November the twelfth. It was a time of contemplation. A time to gather my thoughts and look toward the future. All I asked was the opportunity to have time to think. Four days. Is that asking too much? Evidently it was. Of course I suppose I could understand my wife’s dilemma. I did leave in the middle of the night. And I was staying at a female’s house. And I had cheated on her before. Okay, she had reason to worry.

So now let’s inspect the reasons for my being there. 1) She is my best friend. Someone I could talk to about anything. Someone who doesn’t judge me, doesn’t belittle me and cares about my innermost feelings. 2) I was in the middle of a project at work. I couldn’t drive the 80-150 miles a day from my brother’s or my parent’s to do the job. 3) She needed a babysitter for her children the next day, and my son cancelled on her. Since I do not like conflict, and my wife had already been accusing us of adultery, I left in the middle of the night. No arguments! 4) Above all else, this is where I wanted to be to have an impartial person to discuss my feelings with. I couldn’t get that from my church family, my parents or my wife.

Don't feed the trollNow, I’m going to break all the rules. I am going to feed the troll! The troll wants me to talk about all my shortcomings on my blog, and I’m going to do it. The troll says that I have been “bashing” my wife on this blog (which I don’t see), and they want me to confess about myself. So, here we go. Where shall I start? At the beginning I suppose.

In August of 1967 I was born. Over the years I became a very talented liar, as my parents will attest. At thirteen, I started smoking. At sixteen, I started drinking liquor and smoking pot. In 1985, I was drunk one morning and started a fire. Three buildings burned, and I was charged with arson. I spent eighteen months in prison. Shortly after my release, I went to Tennessee to start a new job. Here I met my first wife. Unfortunately, after one year I found that she had been cheating on me. How is this my shortcoming? I had lost my job and was having to drive four hours away to work in North Carolina, therefore leaving her lonely all week. She couldn’t help but stray. This was my logic.

After a year of anguish, I met my second wife. She brightened my day. She made me laugh. She told me that the world was going to get better. And I believed her. Three weeks later, a child was born. I had always wanted children, so this was a good thing. However, six months later, I walked out. I was tired of many things. After a month, we moved back in together. And this is how it was until this past November. Twenty-three years, seven months and twenty days. Almost a life sentence in some states.

And it was life. We had our good days and our bad. Many everyday issues such as bills, children and issues from both of our families. We had three more boys and got married in November of 1996. But the dark currents were just below the surface. I had become disenchanted with my life. Before our marriage, I had cheated on her four times. Three more afterwards. I was not happy. My unhappiness turned to melancholy. I would procrastinate about everything that she wanted done. In my mind, it seemed that she was never happy with anything. And I still believe this.

When I left home, I left many projects unfinished. I didn’t finish the second bathroom. I didn’t finish the trim in the living room, or the ceilings in the kitchen and dining room. One wall on the outside of the house is not painted orange like the rest. I didn’t get the dormer installed on the stairs, or the walls finished upstairs. I was hoping all my children would be gone by the time I lost it. But alas, the oldest one is still there. Stuck somewhere in limbo between a child and an adult.

After many years of having people coming in and out of our lives, and living with us at times, I finally had a deep depression in 2012. This lasted about six months. As I was coming out of it, I had what has been classified as a heart event in April 2013. Depending on which doctor you talk to, they classify as anything from angina to a series a minor heart attacks; however, they all agree it is caused from stress. While I was in the hospital, the heart doctor told me to do whatever it would take to relieve my stress. This is when I seriously began to consider my options. When I got to the hospital, I really didn’t care if I died. Then I realized that I had too much to live for. My children. My grandchildren. And most of all, for myself. I wanted to be happy.

And I tried. But after a few months, life went back to normal. Except that I was never alone. Someone always had to be with me just in case. I felt smothered. All the old emotions returned. I may as well die. But then our old friend returned from Louisiana. She would bring her children over. They would have sleep overs with us. We would sit up talking about writers, music, our children, pretty much anything until the early morning. This is when my wife became alarmed. She was too close to me. I could talk to her, but not my own wife. I was giving too much attention to her and her children. Excuses began to crop up why they couldn’t visit. I was feeling smothered again. In the last month before I left, our routine was for me to go to work, come home and eat and then play on the computers until bedtime. That was a Hell of a life. And it was the beginning of the end.

Now, I am happy. I am content. I am learning who I am. I am seeing a counselor who is enlightening me on many things that I have had wrong in my life. I am eating right. My overall health is improving. Both physically and mentally. I am living with someone who truly cares for me and wants me to tell her the unadulterated truth even when it hurts her. And she has no expectations of me. I am supposed to find my happiness. That’s it.

And as for the troll, I’m sure that you want to hear me say that I am an adulterer. A lazy, good for nothing individual who has not paid anything for his wife in three months. I am a procrastinator. I am a sinner. I have let my wife and children down. I have let my parents down. I have let my friends down. If that’s what you want, there it is.

However, contrary to your belief, I paid four months rent on the house. One month on the car insurance. One month on the water bill. And if she hadn’t gone behind my back, I would have paid the power bill. That doesn’t include money that I gave her for cigarettes and kerosene. Gas to get our son to and from college. Doesn’t include tires or coming to work on the car.

In conclusion, I am guilty of three things. 1) Wanting to be happy. 2) Not knowing how to love (according to my counselor). 3) Not having the frame of mind to put her in line years ago or kick her out. There you have it. My conclusion to what you wanted. Please feel free to comment on my blog. You don’t have to message me on Facebook. Have a good week.

grant1

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Responses

  1. The scariest thing for a troll is the light. Continue to shine yours. Your path of discovery is a revolution. Revolution hurts most everyone involved; although, when you get to the end, you will be in a better place. Everything worth fighting for makes persevering worth the discomfort.

    Meanwhile, let your detractors have their time in the limelight. The karmic justice is: They would never have had any attention were you not worth gossiping about to their audiences.

  2. Well this is my opinion, take it for what it worth.

    First and foremost, unless the troll is paying the bills or sleeping with you they, it, she has no business in your business and should be kicked to curb. Never mind what they, it, she has to say it has zero relevance to your life, happiness or future unless you give it some.

    Second, you are worth more than misery and you deserve to find your joy. Do not allow trolls to convince you otherwise, if you give rope they will tie you up and fling into deep holes and cover in shit just for the sheer fun of it. They have been doing it for years and will continue for decades if you allow them too.

    I have your back and if you like just point to the trolls, I would be be more than happy too put a bit of razor born on them, it or she.


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